The Room Upstairs

2010-11-20T23:52:00.000-08:00

I think that I'm the kind of person that has a hard time changing themselves.

I consider myself a fairly observant and caring person. I tried to do nice things for my roommates, my family, and now, for my husband. It seems to me that being nice is rewarding and satisfying.

I am good at reflecting the moods of others. When someone else is happy, I can be happy too. When they are sad, I am sad with them. Moods of other people rub off on me fairly easily - which apparently is a terrible thing. I suppose that it is not the best thing - to become sad when someone else is sad. I guess that I should find a way to change that.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to freeze to death? I imagine that it would not be very pleasant. You would shake and shiver and slowly your heartbeat would become farther and farther apart - the rhythmic pounding slowing down and eventually thudding for one last time. Sad, really.

I used to think that I liked being alone. But I have realized that I hate being alone. I hate the feeling of being by myself where there is no one able to help me or care for me. I like being loved. I like having company. Loneliness kills me. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud....thud....thud.

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

2010-11-18T19:25:00.000-08:00

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

check it.

2010-02-20T23:50:00.000-08:00

I'm now that weird chick that cleans her kitchen floor on a Saturday afternoon. That weird chick that everyone thinks is OCD or going through a bad breakup. Newsflash: that weird chick is cleaning her kitchen floor for her own safety. Think about it.

2010-02-04T23:58:00.000-08:00

I have been reading through some random talks online tonight, and I cam across one by Steve Gilliland. It's called "Awake My Soul!": Dealing Firmly with Depression.

As I read through this talk, I noticed that it had a lot of interesting points to make. However, one in particular stuck out to me.

"At bedtime, you can’t sleep. In the morning, you can’t wake up. Dishes, laundry, cleaning go undone. You feel helpless, hopeless, sad. For weeks, months, or even years nothing seems to go right. You feel like a burden to your family. You cry uncontrollably over little things.

You blame yourself for being unhappy... You stay home more. Your favorite activities go flat—it’s been a long time since you went for a walk, skied, or played the piano.

You are depressed, and you don’t know what to do about it. Worse, because the gospel promises happinesses, you feel terribly guilty."

I feel like those few sentences describe perfectly the words that I have not been able to get across to anyone. I feel as if I had been searching for those words for a long time. It's as if someone understands. That's all.

2009-10-18T23:37:00.001-07:00

I've realized a lot of things lately. Maybe 'realized' isn't the best word. Re-discovered? Here's a few of them...

One: the power of the Spirit of the Lord is amazing. Today I went up to the temple grounds and had a chance to just sit and think. It was really good for me - I had a lot of things on my mind and was able to clear up a lot of confusion.

Two: friends make my life infinitely better. They always know what to say to me when I need advice and they are just all around wonderful.

Three: I dislike headaches very much.

Four: sleep is good for me. And I should get more of it. Starting...now.

2009-09-14T19:38:00.001-07:00

This morning I decided to take a really quick shower before I had to catch the bus to get to school. As I was standing in the shower watching the water drip off of my hands, I had this sudden feeling of marvel pass through me. Water is so amazing and I have such a feeling of amazement and wonder for all of the things that it does. It's such a unique and interesting combination of elements and doesn't follow the typical mindset of other compounds. It really is amazing.

2009-07-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

In three of the past seven days I ate less than one meal. Combined. I kinda feel like that is a bad thing.

Thoughts as of Late

2009-05-02T23:27:00.000-07:00

I think that sometimes I over complicate my life. I take something small and blow it out of proportion until it is such a large problem that it is often very unmanageable.

Today I realized two very important things.
1. I rely on some people too much and I rely on others too little.
2. I change myself a lot to adapt to the different people and circumstances that I am around.

I've known these things for a long time now, I just didn't want to acknowledge them.

And now I have.

=/

2009-04-14T21:45:00.001-07:00

Right now I'm blogging.

2009-03-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

I think that sometimes the biggest problems are right in front of everyone's faces, but they just choose to not see it. They choose not to see it because living in their perfect happy world keeps them safe, and acknowledging anything less than that would ruin it. Acknowledging someone's difference would destroy the illusion.

2009-03-07T12:18:00.001-08:00

I find that it's hard for people to listen. Moving one's focus from themselves to someone else seems to be one of the hardest things for people to accomplish. I feel like I can do that pretty well. But, one of the hardest things for me is to confront people. I can listen all day long, but when it comes to confrontation, I just can't do it. I've spent many a night sleeping on the couch because it was easier for me to just remove myself from the situation rather than try and face it. I think it's the same thing. Maybe when people start listening to me, I'll start being more confrontational. But, that just seems like a lose-lose situation for everyone.

Colors

2009-02-20T23:07:00.000-08:00

This is something I think about from time to time. What if we didn't see the same colors? Sure we call them the same name, like green or blue or even purple. But what if my orange is your black and your yellow is my red? How would anyone ever know? What if it's true? What if no one else sees the world like I do? What if my beautiful red, orange, pink, and yellow sunset is someone's green, blue, teal, and aqua sunset? What if the sky isn't really blue?